You are not alone.

In a perfect world nobody would get hurt.

Nobody would feel lost and alone.
Nobody would look to death to end the pain.
Nobody would take their own lives.

But sadly we do not live in a perfect world and we lose people to suicide every day.

To those reading this, you are not alone. Mental illness is difficult. It is painful and tormenting and challenging. It can take away the most important things in your life. But you are not alone in this battle. You are loved and you are wanted. You are cared for.

Sometimes it can feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.
It can feel like you’re drowning and nobody is there to help keep you afloat.
It can feel like you are screaming in a crowded room by nobody even looks up.
It can feel like the only way to end the pain is death.

But death is not the answer. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It may take a week, or 3 months, or 20 years, but things will get better. The clouds will part and the sun will shine again. You deserve so much more that a life of pain. You deserve happiness. You deserve love. You deserve compassion and kindness. You are strong. You are brave. You are courageous. Do not give up hope.

Every day write down something good that happened. It doesn’t have to be big. It could be as small as having a really great cup of tea. Write it down. And pop these little snippets of joy into a jar. And every time you feel like life isn’t worth living, open this jar and remind yourself of all the good things that life can bring.

Remember that you have to get through the bad days to experience the good, and the good days are worth every ounce of pain that you have to try to hard to push through.

If you are looking for a sign to stay alive, then this is it. You deserve life. You deserve to be happy and free. Things will get better I promise.

It’s okay to not be okay.

We all know recovery is not linear. Often it feels like you’re taking one step forward and two steps back. Things are not always going to be happy and cheery. You will not always be celebrating the successes. There will be times of hardship. Times of downfall. It is okay to say that you are struggling. People often tell you to ‘cheer up’ and ‘be more positive’ as if it will magically fix everything. What people should be telling you is that its okay to not be okay.

It is okay to feel.
It is okay to cry.
It is okay to scream.
It is okay to curse at the world.
It is okay to spend the day in bed watching sad movies and eating a tub of ice cream.
It is okay to want to lock yourself away and crawl into a hole.
It is okay to be angry or hurt or upset.
It is OKAY.

Imagine that your brain has a special bucket for things we don’t want to deal with, and your emotions are water. Every time you block out an emotion it goes into this bucket. This may be okay once in a while, because lets face it, sometimes we aren’t ready to deal with certain things. However if you are doing this every time you feel an emotion that you don’t want to feel then this bucket is going to get full very quickly. It will start to crack. It will start to break. It will overflow. And the more you add the worse it becomes until one day it bursts. You’re left with nothing but a broken bucket and all the things that you were blocking out  flooding to the surface. Everything you pushed down deep inside will explode. This is when your emotions can become so overwhelming and so intense that it can become dangerous.

Something that really helps me when I am struggling with something that I want to block out is to try and imagine that my emotions are like a wave.  Experience that emotions as a wave coming and going. Don’t ignore or block it out. Feel it. Allow yourself to feel every big of anger or pain or guilt or heartache. But also remember to let go. Don’t get caught up and hold onto that emotion. Let it wash over you and watch the wave pass by. And remind myself that this is okay. This is normal. This is healthy.

Remember that your feelings are valid. They made be irrational to others, but they are rational to you. You do not have to block out your emotions for the comfort of others. You need to put yourself first. In your world, YOU are the most important person, and you need to make sure that your needs are taken care of before you tend to others. It’s okay to not be okay. Don’t let anyone else tell you any different.

 

Self harm is not a quirk.

Self harm is not a quirk.
Self harm is not cute.
Self harm is not fun.

Self harm is pain. It is suffering. It leaves you damaged and scarred. Nobody will save you. Nobody will find you bleeding out and clean and bandage your wounds like you see on TV.

Self harm is harming yourself because you feel you deserve the pain.
Self harm is harming yourself because the physical pain is easier to handle than the emotional.
Self harm is praying nobody needs the bathroom because the floor is covered in blood.
Self harm is being unable to cook your own food because you don’t trust yourself using a burning hot oven.
Self harm is damaging your tendon to the point of not being able to move your hand or arm without excruciating pain.
Self harm is walking around with a scab on your forehead because you just couldn’t stop banging.
Self harm is passing out from blood loss after cutting your vein.
Self harm is endless amounts of hospital trips and stitches.
Self harm is sweating in a jumper when the sun is out because you’re terrified of people seeing your scars.
Self harm is judgment and fear.

It may help to explain what self harm is to those who are unaware, or only know the stereotypical view of self harm. Self harm is the deliberate harm of one’s own body. This can be anything, including, but not restricted to, cutting, burning, punching, scratching, hair pulling, skin picking, poisoning, head banging, ligaturing and interfering with the healing process of a wound. In accordance to self harm.co.uk* it is estimated that around 13% of young people aged between 11 and 16 will self harm at some point. Mentalhealth.org.uk** state that around every 400 in 100,000 people self harm and it is most common in those aged between 11 and 25 with rates being higher in those who are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, eating disorders and depression.

People often believe that those who self harm are attention seekers. That there is no other explanation as to why a person could possibly want to harm themselves. People self harm for a number of different reasons. Some feel they deserve the pain. Some use it as a form of punishment. Others need a release when their emotions become too much to handle. Regardless of the reason, when a person self harms their whole world changes. The way they see things becomes different.

A razor is no longer just a razor.
A pencail sharpener is no longer just a pencil sharpener.
A wall is no longer just a wall.
A scarf is no longer just a scarf.
A lighter is no longer just a lighter.

You start to look at the world as your own personal playgroup full of tools to harm yourself with. You lose focus and become somewhat detached from reality. Nothing is as it seems anymore. You pray to go back to the days when you could sharpen your pencil and not think about the blade inside. You crave the days you could fry some food and not think of the hot oil on your skin. Everything becomes a weapon of destruction. This is how self harm changes your life. Changes your perception. You wish you could take back that first cut, but you never can. Your life has now changed forever.

Self harm is not a quirk.

*https://www.selfharm.co.uk/get/facts/self-harm_statistics

**https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/s/self-harm

 

Let’s talk about hygiene.

Yesterday I managed to brush my teeth for the first time in 5 months. I know, you’re already thinking ‘EW!’ and ‘GROSS’ and you know what? It is disgusting. But I was proud to have finally managed to brush them after so long. It was a small achievement, something that may seem like an ordinary part of their morning and nightly routine to some, but to others it is a task that only comes around every so often. I posted a celebratory post in a Facebook mental health support group and I was overwhelmed with the floods of people telling me they knew exactly what it’s like. I was shocked by how many people thought they were the only ones that struggled with their hygiene. And it got me thinking, one thing that never really gets talked about when it comes to mental illness is hygiene.

When you struggle with any form of mental illness, personal hygiene can become a thing of the past. You wake up one day with no energy or motivation to even get out of bed and tell yourself you will you will do it tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will shower.
Tomorrow I will brush my teeth.
Tomorrow I will get dressed.
Tomorrow I will change my underwear.
Tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow you will have energy.
You just need some rest.

But tomorrow never comes. Tomorrow is a repeat of yesterday, and so on and so on until one day you have gone 5 months without brushing your teeth. It feels like nothing in the world could get you to look after yourself. Even getting dressed becomes an impossible task. It’s no longer a quick task done without thought. You lie in bed thinking and thinking, going over every small detail in your head.

I need to find something to wear.
I need to find clean pants.
I need to take my trousers off.
I need to pull my top off.
I need to pull my pants down.
I need to put the dirty pants in the washing basket.
I need to fold up my pyjamas.
I need to put on my clean pants.
I need to pull the top over my head.
I need to pull up my skirt.
I need to put on my tights.

Getting dressed is no longer a small and simple task. Getting dressed becomes 11 enormous tasks. Each one takes such a large amount of energy. Each task feels like you’ve run a mile. You barely even have the energy or motivation to open your eyes, let alone get dressed. And so you go back to bed. You block out the day and tell yourself you will get dressed tomorrow. But as we have discussed, tomorrow never comes.

When you  are in such a deep and dark place, hygiene becomes ridiculous. Why would you change your pants when you want to die? Why does it matter? Why do I even deserve it? You are so full of hate for yourself, and have such a lack of care that hygiene doesn’t even enter your mind. Not until your mum tells you you need a shower. Not until your roommate notices that you have only done laundry once in 6 months. Not until your teeth have become so yellow that you force yourself to brush them, because you don’t want to die ugly right?

People underestimate how difficult the small and simple tasks that people carry out on a daily basis without even thinking are for those with mental illness. That’s not to say everybody with mental illness has poor personal hygiene, but it is very common. It does not make us lazy. It does not make us dirty people. We are sick. We are sick and we just want your understanding. We don’t need to be told how disgusting it is. We need support. We need love. We need compassion. We need gentle encouragement. And we need help.